Monday-morning quarterbacking on Oscars
I especially enjoyed when Pilobolus formed itself into Ellen DeGeneres' crimson velour tracksuit.
Other trenchant observations:
Helen Mirren is sexier at any age than any woman with a facelift.
Jack Nicholson is starting to look like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
The actresses all seemed to have strangely symmetrical, erect nipples.
Big attempt to make the Oscars "relevant" to "today" by name-dropping YouTube, MySpace, other Internet buzzwords.
Stop giving child actors "cute" things to say.
Loved seeing Nicole Kidman and Gwyneth Paltrow in a Japanese-hair-straightening-technique smackdown.
Jennifer Hudson, for all the time she had to prepare for this night (if not her whole life), gave a less than stirring speech.
Jerry Seinfeld used his time onstage to audition for next year's host.
Celine Dion's lips pursed up at the end of her song into something out of a horror movie, like an upward-migrated vagina dentata.