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March 06, 2006
One Final, Excruciating Date With Oscar: Reviewing the Liveblogs
I originally planned to spend Oscar night liveblogging the broadcast, but decided after about 10 seconds that I just did not possess the perverse ambition or obsession to spend four hours in front of my television with my laptop. Additionally, after reading so many other film sites' plans for liveblogging, I thought it made far more sense to do what I do best and just throw down a bunch of abstract judgments about those whose Oscar fortitude clearly defies any rationality anyway.
While Defamer has a look at a few other liveblogs, I basically chose the following cross-section based on name recognition, institutional-strength levels of Oscar enthusiasm and potential for disaster. And when the likes of Harry Knowles and Arianna Huffington are in on the action, that sweet disaster smell creeps toward you like blood on the water. Or like barbeque, in Knowles's case.
As always, heavy on the sic:
Blogger: Harry Knowles
General Tone: Ebullient, with a liberal dash of retarded. Knowles shits on a keyboard, and through some Texan miracle, words and ellipses come out.
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: "I have to say, I’m a fan of seeing Dolly Parton on stage singing, if only because she feels so very unHollywood, and yet she exemplifies someone with independent character and strength. Great personality! I’ll never forget meeting her at that Premiere at the Paramount theater when I was just a little kid. And she has the audience clapping along. Heh. I don’t know if I’ve seen the Oscar crowd do that before. Cool! Awesome."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "KEIRA KNIGHTLEY’s cheeks are sprinkled with GOD DUST! In fact I think her whole body is GOD DUSTED and I will sprinkle that body, again and again! 'Shameful!' "
Best Reader Comment: "screw...drunk here...Rachael Weitz...remember...drunk...cant spell...is gorgeous!" (Contributed by "earth")
Come Back in '07? Tough call. Knowles is obviously in peak form and stands to lose his edge. However, the comments section is a great place to organize a pickup game of multiplayer Halo. Among housebound fanboys, I think this evil falls under the "necessary" category.
Follow the jump for more trenchant Oscar whispers.
Blogger: Gemma Cartwright
General Tone: Basic fashion commentary, with uncomfortably high praise-to-bitchslap ratio.
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: "And speaking of charcoal, my big hope for a fashion-forward choice, Maggie Gyllenhaal, disappointed in an ill-fitting grey Bottega Veneta number. What's with the saggy boobs, Mags?"
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "(and hands up who wants a big fluffy penguin now?)"
Best Reader Comment: (On Keira Knightley): "Someone needs to tell this child to stand up straight. Geeze the posture was HORRIBLE. She schlepped down the runway like a lumbering teenager with a humped back. She sat next to Jack all night looking like a frog. Beautiful girl. Great stylists. Needs a poise instructor. Terrible." ("Jennifer")
Come Back in '07? The Queen is going to have to do a little better than nailing Charlize Theron for looking like Judy Jetson. In a world where Cintra Wilson awards Jennifer Lopez the prize for "Most Burnt-Sienna Spray Tan" ("Her contouring had the unfortunate effect of making her forehead look wildly convex, as if a toboggan were trying to emerge from it, fully formed."), I think a little more explosive anguish is in order.
Bloggers: Erik Davis, Martha Fischer, James Rocchi, Kim Voynar
General Tone: Faking the funk, albeit really, really thoroughly
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: Voynar: "(I)f Brokeback starts winning all the little awards, that may not speak well for it winning Best Picture later on. We'll have to see what happens. Ang Lee and the Brokeback gang don't look especially happy about winning this category. Also, this guy is talking way too long and thanking everyone he's ever known, and -- oooh! -- there's the gratuitous shot of the winner's spouse in tears. Yes. very touching. Lets move on."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: Davis: "5:32: Oohh, they have a blimp - I think I just saw Tom Sizemore's crack den!"
Best Reader Comment: "finally three 6 mafia won an oscar!!!!!!!!! hells yes!!!! most gangster oscars ever.........EVER!!! they finally get some recognition!!! Three 6 mafia!!!hells yes!! Hypnotize minds!!!! Congradulations to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ("Jimmy")
Come Back in '07? Cinematical being Cinematical, a bounce-back is likely. Nevertheless, new editor James Rocchi should let resident wise-ass Martha Fischer whup this trick on her own next time.
Bloggers: Jen Chung and Karen Wilson
General Tone: More clinical than a courtroom transcript, but with lots of winking between witnesses
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: (On Chuck Workman's film noir montage): "JC: I love film noir. KW: Me too. Ankle fetishes and smoking cigarettes and women with great wavy hair."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "JC: I think the Brokeback music should win-- that music sticks in your head for weeks after KW: yeah, the music was great KW: I don't know how to quit you Itzak Perelman! JC: He is fabu"
Best Reader Comment: "i am amused that the three-6 mafia won an academy award, especially since it was not long ago that halle won for getting schtupped by a hick and denzel won for playing a crooked cop. hm. check the r-squared on that regression and tell me what you find?" ("Nobody Knows")
Come Back in '07? Reading Chung and Wilson's epic exchange brings back the haunting Oscar terror in excruciating detail--a perfect fit for OCD authenticity freaks like Michael Mann or Nick Sylvester.
Blogger: Arianna Huffington
General Tone: Informative, if scattershot. Probably not an official "liveblog," but emphatically current, nevertheless. Huffington drops names the way Harry Knowles uses ellipses.
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: " 'I predicted all the winners,' Salman Rushdie tells me, 'and when Jack Nicholson appeared to present the Best Picture award, I knew it wasn't going to be Brokeback Mountain. The world won't let Nicholson give the award to a "gay" movie.' "
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: It actually takes a while, but Huffington eventually invokes her "HuffPost Movie Mashups." To wit: "Transerella Man: A Depression-era pre-op transsexual dreams of becoming heavyweight champion of the world. Batman Begins to Walk the Line: The Caped Crusader falls for a vivacious country singer who disapproves of his late-night carousing and addiction to latex."
Best Reader Comment: "Oscar for best male: the CAPOTE guy must be a good actor. Still in character, he made me almost puke. Ben Stiller in green: go kill yourself." ("tennow")
Come Back in '07? If policy-wonk entertainment reporting gets you the least bit hot, then Huffington is a fucking porn star.
Blogger: Gary Sassaman
General Tone: Average guy, with a hint of open-mic-night stand-up comedy
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: "7:04pm: Oh, I get it! This forced spontaneity by Tomlin and Streep is supposed to be just like a Robert Altman film! 7:06pm: I feel like I'm stuck in a line for a movie with 2 really obnoxious women who WON'T. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. behind me."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "5:12pm: Jack next to Keira Knightley...I wonder if Keira will get lucky tonight..."
Best Reader Comment: "The Oscar sign makes me think of Oscar Meyer weiners--probably not what they were going for." ("maryanne")
Come Back in '07? More hit than miss and quite down-to-earth. Sassaman finishes stronger than he starts, which is something to build on for next year if someone does not burn down the Academy before then.
Blogger: Eric Robinette (a k a "Sir Critic")
General Tone: Folksy Midwestern twang. Also, tedium.
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: (On King Kong's Sound Editing award): "KONG! KONG! KONG! KONG! At least the movie is doing well below the line."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "Ang Lee is a filmmaker with a wonderfully diverse palette and a heck of an endearing guy….and you know what? Hulk’s not a bad movie at all!"
Best Reader Comment: "The background music was easily the worst idea since having a tap dancer perform to the Life Is Beautiful score." ("SRCputt")
Come Back in '07? Sure, assuming "Sir Critic" has not advanced to the New Times critics' syndication pool before then.
Blogger: Maegan la Mala
General Tone: Oscar bitchiness, now with 100 percent natural Latin flava
Perceptive Highlight of the Evening: "Holy carajo. 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp' won best song from a movie! No one thinks it's ironic to be thanking Jesus about winning for a song about being a pimp? Now you know all the blanquitos are mad confused."
Moment Readers First Contemplated Suicide: "Ewww did you all just see Beyonce in that makeup commerical? She looked lika a payasa!!Mira just because we women of color can wear bright colors doesn't mean we have to rock them all at the same time!"
Best Reader Comment: "Hey Maegan - I just switched over to the Premios Furia on Univision right for a bit. (is it a re-run?) WOW! What a different dress code - more skin, rhinestones and cowboy hats! :-)" ("kelly")
Come Back in '07? I am actually hoping to join this liveblog next year, so fuck yes. Stop in and say "Hola."
Posted by stvanairsdale at March 6, 2006 05:37 PM
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