The Hot Blog

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Wouldn't it be funny if Paris Hilton has always been brighter than we've thought?

She has been. She knows her image. 2/3rds of what we see of her is a total ruse.

Wow, Paris Hilton sounds really smart in this!

There's a reason why Nicky relatively vanished from the scene: she could not fake being a moron. Her sister sold an image as a slutty whore with no brains. While she was a smart lady, who was hands on with two businesses, and has successfully retreated from her dumb persona by taking a breather. Paris Hilton: THE NEW 9/11 CONSPIRACY!

OH MY GOD LOOOOOOK AT HER HOLY SHIT

AWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOME

PARIS HILTON OWNS YOUR FUCKING ASS.

PARIS = TOOOOOOOOOOOOTAL OWNAGE.

HOTTEST WOMAN ALIVE NOW, TOMORROW, EVER, YESTERDAY, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER

HOLY SHIT I HAVE A BONER LOOK AT HER LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGS PARIS COMMANDS YOUR FUCKING ASS, SHE OWNS SO HARD SHE IS GOD.

PARIS = GOD.

FUCK all the naysayers, this woman IS SUPERIOR TO ALL.

BEST POLAND POST EVER, SERIOUSLY can you just LOOK AT HOW COLOSSALLY FUCKING SMOKING HOT SHE IS?

PARIS IS GENIUS.
SUPERIOR.

SHE IS YOUR COMMANDER AND YOU MUST BOW.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONER.

MOST. PERFECT. WOMAN. EEEEEEEEEEEVER.

Like, in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

MOTHER THERESA? WHO GIVES A FUCK.

PARIS OWNS YOUR ASS.

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK HOW HOT SHE IS.

PARIS = THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE FUCKING PLANET.

LOVE HER. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE HER.

LOOK AT THOSE LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGS.

YEP YEP.

PARIS IF YOU READ THE COLD BLOG....

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, HOTNESS? HIT ME UP P-HILT. I have COUPONS FOR SIZZLER HOTNESS.

GET ON MYSPACE PARIS, YOU OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN.

PARIS FOR PRESIDENT.

PARIS IS THE COMMANDER.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE HOTNESS.

OK, I'll be serious for a sec---

OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY NOT SEEEEEEEEEEEEING HOW HOTTTTTTT SHE IS?

MOST. PERFECT. WOMAN. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE HER.

LOVE.

I LOVE PARIS HILTON.

I THINK SHE WOULD THINK THE LEX WAS COOL.

Finally figured out who she reminds me of: Ed Koch (former New York mayor to you kiddies.)

Lex thinks Ed Koch is hot.

The first part of the video -- the Crypt Keeper/Yoda "white-haired dude" stuff -- is absolutely hilarious. The rest, much less so.

PARIS >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> TO EVEN KRISTEN STEWART.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE PARIS.

SHE IS PERFECTION.

I will vote for whoever PARIS says. PARIS IS PERFECTION. (LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGS!!!!!!)

ED KOCK = PURDUE CHICKEN MAN.

PARIS = TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTAL OWNAGE.

BOW, FRANKBOOTH. YOU WILL TO A GOD WHO IS SUPERIOR.

Perdue chicken man. That's even better!

My god, what if Frank Perdue was her real father?

FOR THE RECORD, THE LEX LIST OF BOWAGE AUG 08 VERSION.

1. PARIS HILTON.
2. KRISTEN STEWART.
3. JESSICA ALBA.
4. CHRISTINA RICCI.
5. TILA TEQUILA.
6. KARL URBAN.
7. OLIVIA THIRLBY.
8. SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
9. ASHLEE SIMPSON.
10. SOME OTHER SKINNY BLONDE CHICKS.

PARIS = HUMAN PERFECTION.

ALL WACK-FUCK NAYSAYERS are just giving in to GROUPTHINK BULLSHIT. I'm sure your wives and girlfriends are pleased, but just CONCEDE you would BOW TO THIS WOMAN and leave your wife standing on the curb like a total sap for two minutes of screentime with THE HILT.

PARIS OWNS ANYONE AND EVERYTHING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET. PARIS OWNS.

PARIS OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWNS.

She's richer than you, hotter than anyone you know, and THE WHOLE WORLD RECOGNIZES HER. THE WORLD DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU AND ME when we go into a fast food place with a coupon.

Because you and I are INFERIOR. PARIS IS THE ANSWER.

LOOK AT HER LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGS.

HER HAIR.
HER SKIN.

NOW BOW. YOU ARE WEAK. AND LESS.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER MASTER and RECOGNIZE HILTON POWER.

It's called Funny or Die? Since she's not even remotely funny, did she die?

Wow, Lex's act is really getting old, I used to chuckle once in a while, but in the last few weeks as soon as I see the capital letters my eyes just skip down to the next post. The worst is when the next post is from him too.

OK, I have to ask: Is LexG moonlighting as a political commentator?

http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/miss_buffalo_chipgate

Me, I'm thankful for the capital letters. They make skipping posts so much simpler.

Ludivine Sagnier's right elbow is sexier than all of the women you mentioned, Lex. So are Eva Green's tonsils.

You crave twinkies. They will rot your insides.

Did you have to invoke "Eva Green's tonsils"? Now I'm going to be distracted for the rest of the day, frank. Thanks.

Has anyone seen these awful "I Love the Eighties" packages from Paramount. The studio must be making a push for digital downloads because they are the ugliest things I have ever seen. I would be ashamed to have one of these on my shelf.
It's alright for Footloose or Ferris Bueler, but they have Reds and Ordinary People framed in this pukish yellow saved by the bell looking case.

frankbooth you have fine taste in women. I have been in love with Sagnier ever since her small part in 8 Women. You can imagine my delight when I found the talent on display in Water Falls on Burning Rocks, Swimming Pool, and La Petit Lili.

Someone thinks Paris Hilton wrote or conceived this?

No. But for once she comes off as likable. That isn't so bad I guess.

I notice in the latest (and the last and final one read by me) "Frenzy on the Wall", Noah has added YET ANOTHER genre of film he professes to not having any affinity for (except for a choice couple of "exceptions" in each case). As far as I can tell, we're now up to:

Musicals
Animation
Costume Drama
Horror
Romantic Comedies

Lordy, lordy!...this guy must look upon the release landscape as a blasted, barren one. Here's a hint!...grow some taste.

What the hell is this kid, with his middling prose, lack of any wit or insight and very limited sphere of interest in films doing writing about them in the first place?

From now on, skipping that column completely and skipping his comments on the blog.

Thrice, I've talked about my love for horror and romantic comedies several times in my columns actually but professed a desire to see more innovation in those genres because I do like them. I never said I disliked animation, just that I don't expect animated films to move me the way that live action films do (and clearly this bias doesn't hold when I see a film as brilliant as Wall-E).

Costume dramas, as I said in the piece, are difficult for me because I find that many filmmakers are happy to just show a few people with accents in costumes rather than delving into what makes that specific period worthwhile today.

Musicals, however, you're right, I don't often enjoy them. It's a personal preference that I share with the readers in the interest of full disclosure. I would rather let you know what my bias might be upfront and let you know that I am aware of my own biases.

And if you don't like the column, then I'm sorry to hear it. Best wishes.

I believe Ms. Hilton is smarter than she's given credit for (it would be hard not to be) but still, not that smart. I know people who have worked with her on a film who say that she understands her media image and knows how to use it. Still no evidence that she's ever read a book, though.

LexG, just when I started to like you again...

You lost your TOTAL OWNAGE privileges.

Oh, and:
How much does shame cost, and who wants to chip in with me to buy a deluxe bag to send to Lex? He's in need, and I mean Sally Struthers-esque "Won't you help?" kind of need.

Dark Knight passed Spider-Man for 7th all time....tomorrow it will pass the original Superman for 4th all time superhero movie (adjusted for inflation).

I love Paris.

She is THE HOTNESS.

LexG: This one is for you:

http://movingpictureblog.blogspot.com/2008/08/sorry-haters-paris-hilton-memorized-her.html

I'm not really in favor of censorship, but DP should seriously consider banning Lex just for the sheer distractiveness of it. It's bordering on trolling, and whether or not he's insulting known film critics shouldn't be the issue.

I find that he winds up nearly derailing every thread because people want to discuss/criticize him, and the spotlight veers away from what we should be talking about (even if it is a BYOB). And all we're doing (myself included here) is feeding the fire.

Yes, when Lex tones it down he often has something interesting to say. But that's like 1% of the time, the rest of it is spent on trying to spray as much cyber-jizz on all of us that he can.

DP, please put a stop to it. I know a lot of people come here to entertain themselves and see how clever they can be (something much more prevalent on Jeff Wells' site, to be honest), but there's a limit, and I'm sure the purpose of The Hot Blog is not to be a stage for fucking amateur hour.

And for the record, in no world is that death mask-faced Paris Hilton hotter than Kristen Stewart.

Lazarus, with all due respect, I am not here for ANYTHING resembling "trolling"; Go have a look at my dozens and dozens of posts on '70s film and my fun banter with movieman, leah, and Leydon in that Ratner thread. I come here to talk about movies, and this kind of ALL-CAPS mayhem has actually been cut way, way down, unless there is something I'm very passionate about and feel like being SILLY. As others have stated, the visual distinctiveness is usually a pretty clear way of marking this silliness so the detractors can skim right over it.

Though in doing so, they'll have missed a gem like my above message to Paris that I have Sizzler coupons if she wants to go out. How anyone can get worked up and call for a "banning" of someone for a joke that benign, it's beyond me.

I happen to be a huge Paris fan and think the widespread (and disingenuous, often) disdain she receives is one of the most toxic and class-envious examples of groupthink in modern popcult history.

I am sort of like the Paris Hilton of this blog.

That doesn't mean you're going to star eating hamburgers while washing cars, right?

BTW: I was going to make some sort of snarky remark about this news story. But then I figured that, if I did, God would send me straight to hell, right on the spot.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080806/ap_on_re_ca/canada_bus_beheading_2

#6

(you know that scene where jim carrey rides up on that tiny put-put motorcycle for which he traded the pooch van and jeff daniels says, 'just when i think you couldn't get any dumber...you go and tooootally redeem yourself!')

"I am sort of like the Paris Hilton of this blog."

You're like a spoiled moronic heiress representing the worst of America without a shred of talent and famous for being famous along with a sex tape?

Okay, but DP shouldn't ban you. Banning is for Jeff Wells and The Daily Kos, y'know, the "liberals."

Wow, Lex like 'em boney.

That was a funny a funny clip but still no attraction to her. I kinda understood the clamour over her Carl's Jr spot but the brief bits of her I've seen of her on her show, SNL or interviews have shown me nothing to be impressed by her.

I don't think she's any smarter/dummer than Anna Nicole but at least Anna was having fun with it. Her influence didn't really reach beyond her circle of "friends" and family. I kinda hate that so many tween girls (perhaps even older) view Paris as modern day aristocracy.

A friend of mine bought the DVD of her sex tape and played some of it for me. The utterly bored expression on her face and absolute lack of participation during a variety of activities completely eviscerated any erotic thoughts about her that might have momentarily crossed my mind. Trust me: I'm hotter than she is, and I'm room temperature on a good day.

The bored expression is part of what makes it so hot.

That movie OWNS. Especially the part where Solomon starts doing his accent work. That dude is king. And the fact that an Eddie Griffin concert on TV in the background as the soundtrack to most of the sex.

Okay, but DP shouldn't ban you. Banning is for Jeff Wells and The Daily Kos, y'know, the "liberals."

Can't speak for Wells, but Daily Kos is clearly "liberal". Unless you are using that as some excuse as to why they should never ban disruptive users, which I don't often see occur. By the time the other users are done with trolls, they rightfully wish for banning.

Lex... it's really simple. I won't ban anyone. For one thing, people come back with other names and other IP addresses.

But more importantly, I'm not here to be anyone's daddy or cop.

Do us all a favor, Lex. Take it down to one screed per entry. It's too f-ing much already. If you want your own blog, start your own blog. But the more over the top the postings are, the less interesting and more ignored. 10 entires in a row by you is crap.

"By the time the other users are done with trolls, they rightfully wish for banning."

DK has a long recorded history of bannning or troll-rating people who made the mistake of not following with the groupthink. It reached its apex when the phony libs there called for Cindy Sheehan to be banned and she was also charmingly called an "attention whore." Yes, there are libs at DK, but Markos is not. He's a phony. And like Wells, a bully who runs the site from the top down. Anyway. You can't troll-rate me.

"I am sort of like the Paris Hilton of this blog."

No, Lex, you're the Rick Solomon, pounding his bologna for the camera; the rest of us are the ones with bored looks on our faces.

And the widespread disdain of Paris is not groupthink. She's wealthy, talentless and opportunist. Those three reasons alone are enough to hate someone. It's a shame the young people don't feel the same way.

Trolls? Where are these trolls? Are they carrying axes? If they are carrying axes. What are we to do about it? Anyone have any clever ideas about that one?

It reached its apex when the phony libs there called for Cindy Sheehan to be banned and she was also charmingly called an "attention whore."

By one anonymous user, and then refuted by Cindy herself, still backed by the thousands of the users on the site.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/5/28/12530/1525

Markos is not. He's a phony.

... Because? This is a bit like calling Rush a phony. It no longer matters if they "mean it" because they have raised so much attention and funding for their respective sides. Finding anything contrary to their platforms is like finding the holy grail.

Anyway. You can't troll-rate me.

Technically, I can just use the reliable fark one to ten rating system, while pointing out where you overstepped your boundaries and exposed yourself. That said, I don't think you're a troll or anything, so...

Trolls? Where are these trolls? Are they carrying axes? If they are carrying axes. What are we to do about it? Anyone have any clever ideas about that one?

Anyways, my point now being that the DailyKos user moderation method is damned smart. Trolls don't stand a chance, and admins barely have to work at all.

I could, uh, think of few places that wouldn't be hurt by such system being implemented. =)

Noah: "I would rather let you know what my bias might be upfront and let you know that I am aware of my own biases."

Sorry, no go. I don't care how honest you are about your biases; the fact that you have SO GODDAMN MANY means that I can't take anything seriously you write about film.

You're one step away from being Jeffrey Wells, who won't watch a movie with a lead character wearing a checkered shirt (true story apparently. Lars And The Real Girl) or abides any actor who is losing his hair or is a few pounds overweight or whatever weird criteria he brings each day.

Bias against genre, any genre, speaks to me of shallowness, a vapid superficiality that I can't abide in a critic, whether acknowledged or not.

"Bias against genre, any genre, speaks to me of shallowness, a vapid superficiality that I can't abide in a critic, whether acknowledged or not."

Big fat word, yo.

Thrice, I suppose you must be a better filmgoer and a better person than me since you don't have any preferences about the movies you'd like to see. I, however, do and if that offends your delicate sensibility, then I'm sorry for that. You claim that I "have so goddamn many" biases, but I have only two: I am not partial to costume dramas and musicals. I am delighted when films in those genres excite me and I don't go into those films wanting to hate them. I want to love every film I see; those films are just ones that I have a tendency to not respond to.

I don't care about a actorr's weight or the clothes they wear, etc. But if you're claiming to not have a preference for certain genres of film, then that's either blatantly untrue or you are better than us all (which is what I'm sure you think).

Just a quick additional point: I'm not a fan of one particular "genre" over another. My problem with those two genres of film is that generally speaking, they both hew closely to their genre roots. Musicals and costume dramas both tend to be religiously faithful to the genre conventions. When there are films that step outside of those conventions in those particular genres (in musicals I'm thinking of Dancer in the Dark and in costume dramas, I think of Barry Lyndon or Age of Innocence as I mentioned in the column), that's when I respond to them.

The Paris is actually kinda funny. "I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too."

That bathing suit is hideous though.

There's nothing wrong with being biased for or against certain genres or types of movies as long as you're honest about it, plus Noah is correct to mention that everybody has these biases anyway, in some degree or other.
I also don't have much of an affinity for musicals, which is why, when I don't care for one like Hairspray or Rent, I'm happy to write the experience off as based on my own personal peccadilloes.
Making a big fuss over the realization that someone has different taste than yourself seems kind of pointless.

Also, on the similar subject, now that I've seen Midnight Meat Train I feel pretty confident that Lions Gate dumped it because they realized it would just barely appeal to the Saw audience, being slower and less frequent in its eruptions of gore. Clive Barker fans will find it worth watching and I think the $1.75 I spent on the ticket was worth it.

One last thing - I'd like to suggest that there are ways to keep a blog humming politely without someone needing to serve as a 'daddy'; other blogs exist in the world where people are courteous to each other and the person running the blog never needs to say a word or lift a finger.

"my point now being that the DailyKos user moderation method is damned smart. Trolls don't stand a chance, and admins barely have to work at all."

I was moderated right out of there after two years, so I know of what I speak. And you're ignoring the way Kos's little syncophants would gang up and TR good people right out if there -- and they weren't trolls. They just didn't march. I find it hilarious and pathological the way some people obssess over trolls and think they have a scientific method of finding them. Bullshit.

Kos is a phony because he pimps Chevron on his site at election time when they're trying to kill propositions; calling concerned feminists "sanctomonius women's study set"; labeling the only actual progressive running for prez "weird" and with the thoughtful "ugh"; telling a female blogger who had been threatened with rape and murder she should toughen up; and his hypocritical against-the-site-rules plea for Democrats to vote Republican for Romney. I also believe he voted for Arnie since he did nothing to counter the re-election of this impotent politician.

Anyway. I'm not a troll, I'm a human being.

Jeff: here's the answer to your question. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcgfdtkcIW0 . Seriously, you have biases, but I can be down with anything as long as it's honest. If it's some hokey bullshit, then I am finished with it. If this is what Noah means, then I can agree with his sentiment. If you want to see it as a bias. Well, that's on you, but I feel it all.

wow, harsh on noah, dude. if you don't like his style, just don't read his stuff! easy peasy.

(jeff, you just don't see 'peccadilloes' used enough these days, i say bring it back, it sounds so damn funny!)

speaking of karl urban, i was just wondering if anyone had heard any whisperings or rumblings about the new 'star trek babies'...does it look like it might come together? i know it's still a ways off, but the only 'teaser trailer' i've seen is a bunch of welding during construction of the 'enterprise' (?! i wonder what bright spark came up with that one, i know welding always gets me keen to see a movie...)

my first thought was a typically cynical, 'bloody hell', but you never know (and to be honest, if karl's in it i'll be there drooling). i hope jj can make it cool and sparkly while somehow remaining loyally trekkie

and that 'harsh on noah dude' comment was directed at 'thricedamned', just to be clear and avoid any misunderstanding and a possible brouhaha. thriceposted

Holy Christ! A $12.1 million opening day gross for Pineapple Express? Cowabunga!

Wow, that is a big number for an R-rated stoner comedy on a Wednesday - must be the record. :)

I am guessing something close to Superbad numbers, this weekend.

Really looking forward to this - Dave, where is your review, already?

wow, i see that klady says in his review that people are likening 'pineapple express' to 'midnight run', i can't even imagine higher praise ('midnight run' is my all-time fave movie depending on the day, grodin and de niro are so sublime in it together, i can't even express how much i love that movie).

since there's no 'pineapple' thread, does anyone here agree with that comparison, and why? if this is even remotely true, it makes me all the more bummed we don't get 'pineapple' until october. i hate everyone who gets to see it now

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