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Did anyone detest 500 Days of Summer as much as I did? I don't see how it's any better than a Kate Hudson assembly line romcom.

Every "creative" quirk (the split-screen hypothetical, the post-coital dance number) felt totally predigested. The trite cultural signifiers (cardigans! The Smiths! "green" architecture!) made me want to smack the characters upside the head. And the final line is a total eye-roller.

But it's 90% on Rottentomatoes, and Armond White is the only critic who's calling it out, so maybe it's just me.

Saw "Orphan" last night, which, caveats aside (a few howlers; it's overlong; Vera Farmiga is stridently unpleasant throughout), definitely delivers the goods.

On a more bittersweet note, the trailer to "Book of Eli" was attached. I am a HUGE Hughes Bros. fan and think they are visual geniuses, so was distressed to see that they seem to have jumped upon the generic "edgy" desaturated, overexposed, faux-bleach bypass Digitial Intermediate train for the "look" of this one. Maybe it's just the trailer house slapping something together, but I pray the finished product doesn't resemble this. Denzel looks bad-ass and I have my fingers crossed, but the trailer was definitely underwhelming.

DC...

I am expecting nothing short of 100% pure awesomeness from Hughes Bros. plus Denzel.

Also, repeating myself here, but the weekend estimates are WAY, WAY too low for ORPHAN.

30 MIL AT LEAST; There's nothing else out there like it, and every batch of screaming teenage girls in America is going to see that shit, not "The Ugly Truth." It might even win the weekend. It might not have legs but I think it's one of those "Sixth Sense" openings where it looks to the prognosticators like some generic off-season horror flick, but the marketing has been SO pervasive, if it opens to 45 I wouldn't be surprised.

Seriously. TAKE THAT TO THE BANK.

Lex, your boxoffice prognostication is about as successful as your sexlife. This weekend's battle for first will be between Potter and G-Force, which will open huge well over to $30m. The Ugly Truth will be third with a respectable but not great $25m. The Orphan will open to expectations around $10-12m, which is what junky horror normally gets.

The first writer's draft of The Book of Eli is engrossing and vile and unbelievably raw and everything the movie probably won't be.

The green-screen outlines on this motherfucker ripple in my mind like heatwaves.

IO VOICE: "SORRY HANS WRONG GUESS!"

Try again, sir: ORPHAN has THE most pervasive marketing campaign since THE HANGOVER, it is hitting all the same notes: Killer poster, killer title, killer hook, TV ads that run LITERALLY during every single break of every single show on television.

35-45. BANK ON IT. Come apologize on Monday when I'm proven correct.

Wreck, if you're in L.A., take a little jaunt on up to the Bubank theater at 10:30 and plop down dead center if you think it's going to be so scarcely attended. You'll be sitting amidst a standing-room-only crowd of 14-year-old gelheads, shave-heads, emos and muffin tops tittering and shrieking and texting and yelling "DUUUUUUUUDE, this shit's all SCAAAAAARY AND SHIT WHAT THE FUCK!" like 456 times a minute.

I'd sooner kill myself than shell out cash for the AMC Burbank, especially to hang with the muffin-tops.

The Orphan is DOA, sorry. You can apologize on Sunday.

ORPHAN POWER. YOU WILL BOW.

Now to address one of dietcock's points: I see that indeed the movie is *123 minutes long*. That is incredibly surprising, but just me, or when you read something like that, it makes you think it's more of a movie or something? Like if you told me ORPHAN was 87 or 99 minutes, I'd be like, yeah, whatever, sounds about right.

But now that it's over two hours, it's like they've tried to make it a real movie for adults (even if surely it's just tons of padding that could've easily been trimmed.)

Anyone else just watch MAHER?

He had some AWWWWWWWWWWESOME joke in New Rules about "Don't act so surprised that Emma Watson is suddenly hot now that she's 19." The payoff was some awesome line like, "If you're an adult and see the new Harry Potter, you don't have to feel ashamed that you think this chick is hot. But you SHOULD be ashamed that you're an adult watching a Harry Potter movie."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAHER IS GOD. BOW.

They should remake LOST AND DELIRIOUS with K-STEW and EMMA WATSON.

BEGGIN'.

Nick of Time is on the tele right now. Anybody seen it? I remember hating it when it came out and never revisited it since.

And now it's just making me angry again about Depp and Burton. Who else reckons they (and Helena Bonham Carter for that matter) just need to take a break from each other. I mean, they're making yet another movie together directly after Alice, which looks as if it has become The Mad Hatter in Wonderland more than anything else. Depp has almost worn out his welcome entirely.

I'll be the poor sap to chime in on G-FORCE.

The 3-D was ok. The plot (or plotishness) was a rote but smart Bruckheimer for kids. Not as spot-on as TEAM AMERICA, but ok. The CGI was quite good. But I'm not a "stop the CGI" whiner.

However, I almost busted out some cell-phone Peggle. My girls ate it up, which is just fine. The last 2 weeks I've gotten them into Miyazaki, and they've watched the Coraline DVD twice. I'm fine with fluff. Tracey Morgan was intolerable. Every bit of dialogue was a trite punchline. Rockwell, who I love, was nothing special. Nicholas Cage did the best voice work (after Buscemi who has one of the singular voices of the last 2 decades). He was very funny and silly. He should use that voice in all his movies.

Saddest thing was Galifinakis. I don't begrudge anyone a paycheck, "swimming pool" movie. But that poor guy looked bored as hell. He had NOTHING to do. Was given not one line intended to be funny. He was a body. If you didn't know any better you wouldn't know he was a comedian at all.

Best I can say it that it's over.

RE: ALICE. The trailer killed in my theater. I am a Burton devotee and apologist. I trust that it's not all Depp. But who in the cast is the biggest draw, the one to get families buzzing? My 6 y/o name-checks Burton because she loves NBC and even CORPSE BRIDE (she watches the making-of doc on the N.B.C. DVD!). I loved CHARLIE. I never ever liked the original WONKA anyway. SLEEPY HOLLOW is my favorite of his movies, and an all-timer to me. I believe in this.

Lex: wife and I saw Maher last spring at the Chicago theater. We love him. He was great. Had the guts to go on his Corn rant...in the heart of corn country!! A heckler got thrown out during the rant, and Maher told him to fuck off. That was tits. He is smug, a prick and I don't agree with everything (pot is ok but fun pharmaceuticals like ocd/bipolar folks like me enjoy aren't?). But I'm a fan too.

Anyway, HURT LOCKER later to wash the guinea pig turds from my mouth. Then will hit the WATCHMEN dvd tonight. Fave movie of the year so far (be nice to me, mutiny&co. We're all friends here).

Correction: I hate PLANET OF THE APES. I suffered through it in the theater 1 1/2 times. How? My son got sick a threw up halfway through the first time (coincidence?). The manager was nice enough to refund our money. Went back a week later. Shouldn't have.

Great make-up. Roth was good. A few nice gags. Otherwise a colossal failure way outside of his wheelhouse.

I will see 500 DAYS OF SUMMER because of Zooey. I'm a worshipper. It's cliche now, but so be it. I want her. It may be too JUNOish. But Zooey and her eyes are there.

Galifinakis is so bad in G-force that people need to see the movie just to goggle at his performance. The fucker actually looks like he's fucking reading CUE CARDS. Reading them, not referencing them.

HEY does anyone know where I can get one of those fluffy hats like JAMIROQUAI wore in the VIRTUAL INSANITY VIDEO? FRED GOD DURST also used to wear the same hat back in the THREE DOLLA BILLZ YALL days.... Does anyone know what I mean?

It's like a FLUFFY TOP HAT or something, the height of late '90s awesomeness. The JAMIROQUAI HAT. Doea anyone know what I mean>

Where do I buy one?

Name a better movie in the HISTORY OF THE PLANET than FIGHT CLUB.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE. BOW TO IT.

Anyone else watch this shit and get PUMPED THE FUCK UP?

I SEEN THE FIGHT CLUB ABOUT 167 TIMES. (TM DURST only exaggerated for time.)

This is THE HAT I want to buy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQb2WXSqyl4&feature=related

How do you describe such a hat and where do you buy one? I want to procure one so I can wear it to The Club to hit on chicks.

Then I'll sport this hat while going down on them through Saran Wrap.

HAT.

Lex, I GOT YOUR BACK DAWG! YOU ARE MY MOTHERFUCKER! WOOOOO!!!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-furry-shag-bucket-HAT-Purple-birthday-party-CANADA_W0QQitemZ300331726393QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_2?hash=item45ed2a7639&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12|66%3A2|39%3A1|72%3A1205|293%3A1|294%3A50

I described the JAMIROQUAI HAT as "fucking stupid" back in the 90's. It was the kind of hat you'd see people wearing at bad raves. You might as well find a "Cat In The Hat" hat and some day-glo sticks...

Craig Ferguson's latest brilliance is aimed at Lex:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tvJKf4JYcM

That was really good, but it doesn't apply to Lex because he's old.

Good point.

Actually he calls out older people playing dumb young, so yes it does apply.

What's going on with Anna Paquin's appearance on this current season of True Blood?

In particular, her forehead/the area between her eyebrows? Is something different?

BOO.

4AM AND I AM ANGRY AND BORED.

Still angry about the jerkoff audience ruining my ZOOEY DESCHANEL FIX.

I am going to cheer myself up by dusting off my 1993 VHS of "Pussyman 4: The Celebration," wherein STEVE SNATCH comes to town (looking like STEVE FROM MARRIED WITH CHILDREN) to judge the annual PUSSY CONTEST.

BEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Hey.... Lot of L.A. GUYS on this site, so EMAIL ME CONFIDENTIALLY if this applies to you:

Anyone here ever get a HAIR TRANSPLANT?

I really need one, bad, and I want to know what to expect, good or bad; I've done a shit-ton of research on the subject and it sounds expensive as hell, and results can be iffy if you have "diffuse" loss like I do... but clearly I'll never be famous with my sickly looking coif of weak shit on my mangy scalp.

IF YOU'VE HAD A HAIR PROCEDURE, email me at lex_mch@yahoo.com and tell me exactly how it went.

MY HAIR IS REPULSIVE.

I am a piece of HUMAN GARBAGE and everyone hates me. I AM AT WIT'S END IN LIFE and I'm so self-conscious about my beerchin and DISGUSTING BALD SCALP that I'd be ashamed as a motherfucker even when banging a whore.

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